“Just try to be positive”
“Keep yourself busy then you won’t need to think about it”
“Have trust in Allah”
“There are people in worse situations than you, just be grateful”
“It’s because you are always at home”
These and other well-meaning comments that people with mental health disorders have had to hear several times. They often have the opposite effect that they are meant to causing people to withdraw even further and making them feel more inadequate that they can’t “just act” upon these suggestions.
I know that for me, when a friend (who is a very optimistic person) told me to think positively and “just turn your negative thoughts into positive ones” I looked at her blankly. When I have a negative thought, I spiral down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts until I start catastrophising and before I know it, I’m living the worst possible scenario.
The truth is, unless you have been through it, it is quite difficult to understand what challenges somebody who is struggling with their mental health is facing
During Kids Mental Health Awareness week, at LNS we have been looking at different ways we can improve our mental well-being including physical activity, walks in nature, positive affirmations and self- image.
However, what happens if someone you love or care deeply for has a mental illness? You want to help, but where do you start?
It can be daunting and worrying when you see a loved one suffering and generally people want to help “fix” the person as quickly as possible so that they can get back to normal. Sometimes our best efforts do not work and can cause frustration and further worry to someone who has mental health issues.
However, there is usually no short-term solution and professional help may be required.
But there are things that friends and family can do to help. (This is assuming that they have already opened up about their struggles). Usually, the person will be relieved and happy to receive help as they do not have to carry the burden of their mental health challenges alone.
1. Mental health is not a one size fits all situation. What works for one person, may not for another. So, the most important thing is to listen carefully to the kind of support your friend or family member wants rather than concluding what you believe they need. They may want you to distract them, they may want to discuss something that they have been worrying about or they may just want to sit in companionable silence. All these things are fine and helpful for different people at different times.
2. Learn what their triggers are so you don’t unknowingly cause more distress.
3. Don’t make them feel bad about their mental health issues or that is something wrong with them
4. Keep the lines of communication open. If you decide to help a loved one who is struggling with mental health, it is not conducive if you see them daily for a few weeks and then disappear for months. This can reinforce negative thought patterns and it is best to maintain some contact by phone, text and video call.
5. Don’t constantly talk about their mental health challenges- allow them to lead and if they bring it up and want to discuss it, do so otherwise keep the conversation flowing in a comfortable manner.
6. Offer to do activities with them. For example, suggest you accompany them to the park for a gentle walk and to commune with nature. Go at a time when there will be less people and reassure and allay any fears they might have.
They might want to watch a movie together or do some cooking.
7. Don’t pressure them to do something they don’t want- they will build up to it in their own time.
8. Encourage them to find an outlet they enjoy- only when they are ready; don’t force them. They could journal, go for a walk, bake, meditate, do yoga, listen to the Qur’an and paint or draw.
9. Don’t be critical as, if you’ve not experienced depression yourself, it can be hard to understand why your friend or family member can’t just ‘snap out of it’. Try not to blame them or put too much pressure on them to get better straight away – your loved one is probably being very critical and harsh towards themselves already.
10.Do not make them feel that they are not close to Allah, are not reading enough Qur’an etc as mental health illness is just like any other illness, it’s complicated and has got very little to do with a person’s relationship with Allah.
11.Finally, look after yourself. Do not allow your own mental health to suffer whilst helping others; set clear boundaries and stick to them. You may feel tired, frustrated or worried. If need be, step away for a while. Talk to others (friends, family, professionals or helplines) to discuss challenges you are facing and take time out to do things you enjoy.
Don’t feel you have to provide a solution, just being there for them in the way they want you to be and without judgement is really helpful until they are ready to take the next steps on the road to recovery.
Written by Ust Humainah.
If you are in school and would like some support, please speak to Ust Oorooj (Well being Lead) or any other member of staff. You can also complete a sharing concern form online (check your email) if you prefer or post your concern in the box in the front office.
